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| Life is busy, and for some reason, I just want to write about track again... maybe because the last entry was kind of sad, and I'd like to add to the story.
Tuesday was a track meet. Two old guys died. Our head coach, and the other coach that's been here for a while both had to go to funerals. We were left with an inexperienced coach, and a brand new coach who was in charge. Things were crazy and there was a bit of drama with the new coach because she wouldn't let people scratch, and said things a bit too bluntly for some girls' emotions. I had to argue with her for a while to let me get out of the two mile race; I would've had to run four miles total.
Oh yeah, another factor: it was INCREDIBLY windy
Right before I ran the 4x800, I was told I had to fill in for someone in the 4x400... an all out sprint at the very end of the meet! I'm NOT a sprinter! I ran my race okay, but the wind was so strong, my hair almost blew out of the hair tie! I then fumed about having to run extra, and not getting out of the 800. I was so angry and I didn't want to run in the wind for four more laps... there was a point when I actually wished I'd wipe out and get pretty hurt. Right before I took off, I prayed, "God, do SOMETHING with this race, because I'm just going to run it."
And He did.
I stayed with everyone for the first lap. The second lap, I realized that people were going slow, and tried to wait for the third before I passed anyone... but I couldn't wait. People say that I flew, and it's an amazing feeling.
My 400, although not very good, was still one of the best times from our team, so I'm now running that relay instead of the two mile.
God did something amazing and switched me all around. Tomorrow's meet will show me if it'll stay like that or not... I'm a little scared, but a little excited too.
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| So... last year in track, a funny thing happened. I started to suck at running. I mean, I remained in the top half, I think, but my usual times gained 1-2 whole minutes. That's only when I finished my races. We figured I was just sick and I ended the season early by skipping the regional meet.
Today it happened again. I don't know how to explain it to people, so I tell them I couldn't go fast and I couldn't breathe. After I finished my two mile race, sobbing (without tears), I went to my coach attempting to get out of my next race, the 4x800. I didn't quite explain, and he only got me out of the mile and the 800. I didn't want to be a wus and I figured I could handle two more laps, but they didn't go too well either. I was sent home with my dad and while he left to find someone to move his car out of the way, I spent 30 minutes cleaning out the napkins/wires/outlet covers/pens/screws/drill bits... from the seat. Foot room proved to be difficult as well. I tried lifting a box of pop, and the bottom was wet, so all cans came spilling out around my feet. All this didn't bother me. My dad's work car is always messy, and cleaning kept me busy. When I was done, I pulled on my seatbelt, sat for a second, and started bawling. I thought maybe I was feeling sorry for myself, but it felt good to let go and accept that I just can't do what I used to do.
We drove straight to Wichita (my dad was late for a job) and I realized that I LOVE to drive around the "bad" part of Wichita. It's got so much more character than the "developed" areas with their clone houses in perfect lawns arranged around a culdesac. It also reminds me of when I was little. We lived in the poor neighborhood, and I kind of liked it that way.
Waiting in the car, I thought about what people ask me. "So you had trouble breathing?" I just go with that because I don't know how to explain it, but when I thought about it, I realized something. I run and I can't go as fast as I used to. I push myself hard at first thinking I can, and when I realize I can't, I get real sad. I start to cry, only tears don't come because I'm a little busy at the moment. I just sob until I can't breathe anymore, so then I'm slow AND can't breathe. But hey, I couldn't tell people that I was just "too sad."
I had some Jesus time, and He gave me some of that comfort stuff.
"So I can't run... what do I do now?"
Running keeps me in shape, I have friends slower than me, so I'd never be able to complain to them. I need to just do my thing and keep it up for another month... then I'll start missing it. Ew. Isn't that the way it always is?
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| Hey, everyone!
...anyone
...me?
Spring break has ended, and it was lovely. I spent every day doing something exciting, and it felt carefree. Then one day I realized that my life is perfect. Though normally, that gives means for rejoicing, it kind of left me worried. If now is the best part of my life, there's no place to go but down! I started praying that my focus would be set towards God, and I double checked to make sure I wouldn't fall apart if He decided I could live without something I maybe thought was too important.
I was thinking that soon something would go terribly wrong, or at the very least, it'd be time to grow up, and next year I'd be spending my break working or doing homework or just plain growing up! When I told people, they kind of figured that's the way it'd be, and told me to expect it, and stuff.
So today I walked into my Economics class, and the teacher asked me how my spring break went. I knew he was genuinely interested, so I genuinely told him. "Oh... pretty amazing, but it kind of felt like my last chance to have fun before I have to grow up." I kind of expected him to give an "oh" response, but instead he yelled, "That's not true!" We both talked about how everyone ALWAYS told us school would get harder each grade, and how it never went that way for us. I noticed that his eyes were all red, like his contacts had been totally screwed up all day, enough to make anyone grumpy, but he seemed really happy. "Grace, it's all a big lie. Life gets better and simpler, despite what everyone says." As he was talking he was swinging a golf club in the front of the room, narrowly missing a projector hanging from the ceiling and some other $2,000 equipment. I was looking at a man who had a great life simply because he was happy in it. He could be worried about things, but he's not. I could be worried too, but I'm happy now, so I won't let worrying ruin things!
If life gets worse, I'll still have my Jesus, and He is the source of this happiness I have.
In that sense, life's not going to change at all.
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| So my year got better once I got used to being back, and easy classes. Calculus got dropped at semester. My reasons for taking it slowly fell away. First, I don't need a fourth math class. I took a high school class as an eighth-grader, and I guess somehow it counts. Second, while I haven't narrowed down my future occupation choice much, I know that the only jobs that require calc are the ones I definitely don't want to take. And last, I felt the need to take hmm... how should we put it? the "smartest/hardest" class possible with the top five kids in the school. It wasn't very hard. In fact, if it weren't for actually doing work out of the book, I might have even liked it... just a little.
What's the big deal with asking seniors where they're going next year, and what they want to do when they grow up? I mean, everyone and their mom does it, and everyone knows everyone else and their moms have already asked this senior this particular question. Why ask? I've concluded that there must be some fascinating reason why this question is always there. It can't be just for small-talk. Younger people don't ask it, only older people in college, or out of college. If it were simply to make conversation, younger people would ask (or other seniors) so it can't just be that. I also find it hard to believe that that many people actually give genuine interest in what I'm planning on doing at this moment in my life. Don't they all know that this has a 98% chance of changing in the next month anyway?
Current Conspiracy Theory: Something big changes someone at a certain time in their life (mine coming up shortly) and this thing is what makes people ask questions to seniors even though their experience taught them that this isn't a fun question to answer as a senior.
It's a mystery for now, but I'll have to find out by experiencing this myself, and when I do...
I'll let you know.
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| I'm back to school. I woke up too early, sat around a lot and then decided it was time to go. I smashed my nose, opening my car door. My day went downhill from there. I have a good friend who isn't saved. I wrote a letter to him about it over the summer. He brought it up, which was great, and I wanted to see what he thought, but I realized that, for the first time in so many years, I didn't have him in a single class. The slacker didn't even take calculus. I'll just have to pray for chances to speak to him. After all, I wouldn't expect there to be many evangelistic opportunities in calc.
That wasn't what made me sad. It was just the stress of being back in the world that made me want to go home and curl up in a little ball. I don't even have many friends in any classes. I hate to sound arrogant or above everyone else, but it feels like I've been put in "dumb" classes this year. Last year was full of senior classes, college classes, and independent studies; now they're mostly the basic classes I need to graduate. But the worst part about these "dumb" classes, is that it almost makes me feel smarter than all the other students in there. It's a terrible feeling. It scares me that I might someday accidentally think of myself as worth more than one of them.
I realize now why I spent so much time last school year on the computer. I just want to escape and talk to some real friends who really know what life is about.
I need my friends.
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